Dear Pat,

Today is your 25th birthday. Happy birthday to you. You’ve been waiting for this a long time now. Ever since the day you devoted your life honoring your favourite saint. Today, you are officially a year older than St. Therese. What have you achieved in your life?

Now, I feel pathetic addressing myself as a second person. I plan and plan and plan my birthday since last year. I don’t know why I’m making a big deal of 25th birthday. Maybe secretly I wasn’t expecting to live this long. Secretly I want to die young like St. Therese. After I came back from Kaingaran last year, for the first time of my life I was comfortable talking about death. Accepting death and whatever that comes with it. I even planned my funeral mass more than my wedding mass. Sounds like I’m ungrateful of my life right? But the truth is, the truth is simple. I love Jesus, I love God, I want to spend my eternity with Him. This world, this Earth is a temporarily place. A transit. Why bother too much about what to do while transiting right? Imagine you are on a flight from KL to LA and most probably you’ll be transiting in Kyoto, do you bother to find a hotel there? No. You will just be looking forward to your flight to LA.

For the month of July I was busy planning stuff. Stuff that part of me knew won’t happen. Simply because I want to make useful of myself. Something that worth of pat at the back from myself. Here I am, doing nothing. The most charitable thing that I did these few days is helping my mum paint our country home. Am I putting too much expectations on myself? Perhaps. Am I obsessed with St. Therese? Maybe. All I’m sure of is I long for that degree of innocence, sanctity. Yaa, I know. I have long way to go. Long way to go.

To be honest, I cried so much reading Story of a Soul. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to carry through till the last page of that book. It made me asked a lot of questions. Why God? Why not me? Even if it’s me, why not now? You can just call me now, and I’ll leave everything without having second thought. My family especially my parents will be so happy to send me. Is’t because everything is so easy for me if You really did call me? I really love You. There is no one for me, none but You. Isn’t that enough? I tried. You know I tried. To be ‘normal’.  But why the answer is ‘no’?

Or is’t ‘not yet’? 

Pat, you know the answer.

Yeah, I know.

It’s still ‘No, I have better plans for you.’


Now, I’m singing Kerinduanku by Franky Sihombing. The chorus really became my theme song these few days. 

Aku menyembahMu Yesusku

Yang ada di tahta mulia

Aku memujiMu dengan s’gnap hatiku

Ku menyembahMu selalu

Tak ingin kupergi menjauh dariMu Yesusku


25 years living in this world, as much as I wanted to try run away from Him, I realized in the end, I always find myself running back to Him. Deep down, I never want to be far away from Him. Thanks my Love. Thanks Daddy God. Thanks my guru Holy Spirit. Thanks my Mother. Thanks my bodyguard angel. Thanks St. Therese. For my birthday gift I ask from you, kiss the Child Jesus for me. Thanks St. Faustina. Thanks St. Gemma. Thanks St. Edna. Last but not least, thanks St. Patricia, for being there from the start.