I realized I am not as open as I usually did when I write personally in my plastic covered journal. This is a public blog so some part of me are not ready to be cut out and lay open here. No one asked me to right?
Self-conscious kicks in as I started all force with this blog and my project. I have never been so insecure with my spirituality till now. Lots of self-doubts that bothers me. I barely started but I am starting to question everything. Again. Am I doing the will of God or for my own sake? To be physically alone because I know spiritually I am not alone, it’s hard. The human part of me still needs assurance and affirmations in the form of words. God is there. Face hidden. Whispering instead of talking aloud. So I am not alone. My Heavenly Mother too is there. Looking over me lovingly. But when the insecurity kicks in, I began to question is’t real or illusion that I built because of my pride? If only I can do nothing else but looking at His cross and be reminded over and over again that I am a sinner, not even worthy to look Him at His face. But He is the Loving and Faithful God, raising my chin so that I can look at Him in the eyes. Without a word, I know He loves me.
Few people kept on popping in my head these few days. One of the person is my dearest friend. Her together with her friends were like pop up window in my mind. I kept on clicking close tab still they popped up like annoying advertisement online. I don’t know what to do with them. I know I should pray for them but the sense of disturbing came with the need to pray. Part of me is scared of them. I don’t know why. Maybe because of that faithful night? Because of their visions that night? Who am I to know where it came from? For crying out loud, that was two years ago!
I am not sure who to turn to right now. All I know is I need to pour my heart out.